Thursday, September 29, 2016

High-functioning depression / functioning depressive

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-381421/Seven-ways-spot-functioning-depressive.html

This article describes me so well. After reading some articles about "functioning depressive" after reading an editorial written by Amanda Leventhal (https://themighty.com/2016/05/high-functioning-depression-we-cant-overlook-the-overachievers/). I find myself struggling more to stay out of depression and finding it harder to find a little joy in my jobs.  I wish I had never read them or heard the term "functioning depressive"; I was fine in my ignorance. I struggle with points one and two of the daily mail article (six sounds much like two, so maybe I can tick off 3 points). I get super angry, super fast, and it gets increasingly harder to let go. I forget things, and then obsess about where it is or how to fix it. I'm doing better about taking care of myself thuz feeling better about myself, now that I've lost about 35 pounds. I no longer dread getting dressed or looking at myself in the mirror. Makeup wearing has come back into my life.

The depression is sneaky though, it creeps up while I'm watching TV or doing the dishes, and I feel like crying.  Sometimes I do. I resist or I make myself stop crying, then my chest hurts, like someone is squeezing my sternum. It feels much like a heartbreak, but without the loss of love. I feel sort of abandoned, since my psychiatrist said I'm fine, I don't need medication, I don't need ongoing counseling so what the fuck is this that's going on? I don't know. And that's a place I dislike being.

I have two great jobs, I own my own place, I have no debt except the mortgage, I have great friends so really, on the outside, to everyone, I'm doing wonderful. I am proud of what I've accomplished, but it still feels hollow to me. A lot of what I do is to mitigate stress, doing A will lower my worry about B, and so on. Yet, I still feel lost because I don't know how to "fix" this or what the next step should be.